Monday, September 19, 2011
I really wish I can purge myself from this world and erase everyone's memories of me so that my non-existence won't affect anyone. Then everyone would be so much better off. I should never have existed.
6:05 PM
I don't know what I'm doing. And why my existence around others only ever cause trouble or unhappiness for them.
I'm a 闲杂人等 at best.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
I'm more than a lil bit tired of living. But I'm still living. Probably because I'm too afraid of dying.
Not to mention hell, though I wonder if I still believe in its existence sometimes.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Today was perfect. We were both happy. So why am I remembering that he doesn't love me anymore? The second time today. I need to stop remembering this for me to remain motivated and strong; for me to have even a remote chance in retrieving his heart. But it's so hard to stop longing for the day when he'd reply 'I love you' when we hang up or when we're being close.
I'll also need to forget if I wish to have sufficient sleep for the days ahead where I need much energy to accomplish much things.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
If I keep my distance. If I really gain enough discipline to keep my distance...is there still hope?
1:00 AM
It's all too late. In all probability, too late. I can only regret now. There's no redeeming, no turning back. Like he always says, there are some stuff once done, it's done. No matter how much tears I shed, how strongly I regret what I've done, it's too late. I've ruined it. I know it.
I want to let him know, but it's no use either. On one hand, he might get upset. Like usual, he's upset when I am. On the other hand, my emotions may no longer affect him. Either way I can't let him know. But I want to. But I can't, I shouldn't.
If it's going to end anyway, I should let him go peacefully and without harassment. I should stop doing him more wrong.
Desires are a strong thing. Let me blog here to fulfill my desires, for there is hope that he'll read it one day. But not likely, since this is abandoned and old and doesn't even appear on google search anymore. I'm such a selfish person. But I can't help it. I cannot sleep. And when I do sleep, I wake up early. I have no soul, except when there's distractions, when there's company. But afterall, it starts feeling like a shell afterall. Colours on the surface of the shell fade after awhile. The shell's still empty. I'm sorry I'm so faithless. I'm sorry that my centre of the universe is a human. I deserve to go to hell. I can't help it. I feel as though I've ruined something which really could have been perfect. Such potential to be perfect. I felt as though I grasped real happiness for once. I lost it. He's gone. He's never coming back. He's too good for me, he won't want me anymore. He tasted freedom. He'll want better. Loving me is not worth it. I'm so selfish to want him to love me. I'm so damn selfish. Selfish.
I need to release. Fuck. Release. This is the one time in your life, you gotta have discipline no matter what happens. Release him from the torture. Your messages bring no joy to him anymore. Stop. Release him.
Sunday, August 07, 2011
If I'm not here in this world, he won't be having these additional stress and burden to deal with. My life sucks right now. I'm not useful/helpful to anyone in the world right now. But I'm harmful to many. I'm like toxic.
Saturday, May 09, 2009
or maybe i just won't update. not sure if i'll give up on this blog in the end. but i'm blogging elsewhere from now on.
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Okay people, I think I'm going to get that domain I lost years ago. Any recommendation on good web hosts?
Labels: computer
4:27 PM
Suddenly I feel sick of blogger. I have no idea why. I'm just sick of it. The entire concept sucks. LJ is so much better. Wordpress even more so. But I'm stuck here simply because I like all my thoughts in one place, and this blog is like 3 years old.
Then again, I had another blog, also 3 years old, on blogger, and I abandoned it all the same. It's still around, I can still go back to read whenever I want to. But that also meant my thoughts are NOT all in the same place. I can easily do the same thing over again. And shift my internet base to something more superior. livejournal. Or maybe even better, wordpress.
Perhaps, shifting to a superior platform will inspire me to not write as much nonsense as I write here. Which I do from time to time out of a sense of obligation. To not abandon this blog. To write something here.
Maybe.....I'll reach a decision and update. Soon I think.
Labels: computer
